Not improving

I wish I can easily go here whenever I have something in mind. But obviously, I come back here whenever nothing important is happening, and I have to update on what I've been doing. Since I don't want to make it an update post about me, I just want to freely rant about something that isn't so serious.

I miss being in a relationship. I miss all that lovey dovey kiss kiss shit couples do. I envy them, I then start to think about past relationship I've had and how it was so good in the beginning then spirally go down the drain towards the ending months. Eh, I don't know what I want, maybe that's why my relationships has always end up in a flop, where it starts so good then at the end it just doesn't mean shit. I guess everyone goes through the same thing as I am, so maybe I shouldn't feel so alone.

It's been so long since I've been in a real relationship it's scary. I've dated here and there but nothing serious. Sometimes I even envy the old me, where I was happy with someone, now I usually just make fun of high school kids in relationships saying "I love you" to each other when it is just a hollow shell where there is no meaning behind the word. I hate the fact that what they are feeling at that moment it is so real, or well it feels real, and here I am hating on what "fake" feeling they have for each other. Because I am alone. Because I don't have anyone. Who knows maybe what they have is really "real" then I'd be some just jackass who hates on cute shit.

That's what I am, a jackass. A jackass who thinks no one is good enough for him, a jackass who wants something better than what he has, a jackass that has gotten hurt and had caused pain to others. That's what I am, a jackass. It's so stupid to easily know what's wrong with me, but yet I haven't done anything to improve myself. Isn't that everyone's problem? That we know what the fuck we are doing wrong but we still do it. Fuck. Well then, that's it I guess. This is my post.